Happy Sunday. I hope you are having a good one. Today’s post is a guest post about pain, the process and healing. I hope you gain from reading it.
Anytime now I would be in my second trimester, that’s what I thought. You see, I was 9 weeks gone. I already envisioned going to church and family functions and enjoying christmas with my baby.
To the doctors the child in my womb was a viable fetus but to me, the child was as real as the children I can see and touch. Oh and what a peaceful pregnancy this was turning out to be, no morning sickness, so in my mind, I was strong, I had conquered, morning sickness had nothing on me, this would be a smooth pregnancy and I would come up on top, on top with my blessing. What a dream and a vision.
Hmm and just like that, my dreams for this child was cut off. I watched as my precious baby exited my body, the image is all still too vivid even when I close my eyes. The pain I felt and still feel words cannot put down. Oh yes I know, I am not the first woman to loose a pregnancy and some may have lost theirs at older gestational ages or even had many miscarriages but this is my story, please let me process it.
I don’t want to wallow in this pain, it’s a level of sadness I don’t wish for anyone, it too painful and unbearable, I don’t know how to fix my gaze or process my thought when I look at my family and when people try to comfort me. I understand that people are trying to help, but can I please let you know, it’s a process. Renewing my mind may not take a day like yours did but don’t worry, just lovingly encourage me, I won’t last here for long. Words like ‘you should be lucky’ or ‘what are you crying for’ or ‘is your own not better’ or ‘you are selfish for crying, you already have kids’ don’t help. Sometimes it’s even the manner in which it is said. Dont get me wrong I appreciate the life I have been given and the blessings I have but a loss is a loss and people process them differently.
I just needed to write, I just needed to reach out, I just needed to talk and be heard and possibly understood. Look it’s literally like having a stable table or even carpet pulled from under you, the fall feels great, too painful and at times shameful and I am left wondering the level of my spirituality and humanity. How could this happen to me? Did I deserve it? Or maybe I did or maybe not. What could I have done to stop this. How can someone I love be taken away from me even before I get to meet the person. Sigh.
Too many question. Too many, yet I don’t know if peace lies at the end of answers to these burning questions or if I must just let go. This I know though, I have come out on the other side by God’s Grace, it may not be the side you typically hear in a testimony but still, I thank God. I have Jesus. I have life. I have my family. I have my health. I have hope.
“Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a pole.””
Galatians 3:13 NIV
What am I saying? I am in pain, deep pain, I am hurt badly hurt, I still don’t know when and how I would get through and be normal again, but keep your criticism, I don’t need it. What I want is love, patience, kindness, listening ears and your prayers.
I would get through this because my foundation is God. While you help me out of this depth, don’t make me feel less than a human because of my pain. No, I won’t wallow in this pain, I will get out, help me, patiently.
“I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not drop their fruit before it is ripe,” says the Lord Almighty.”
Malachi 3:11 NIV
If you have lost a pregnancy, you have a sister in me, I understand you, I am sending you virtual hugs, let’s trust God together, we would overcome even the dark emotions, it would become like fading darkness and eventually we would have full blown light.
And so help me God to believe and to come out victorious.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28 NIV
Thank you Mrs A for sharing your story with us.
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