The Pain of Unshared love

Ever lost something or someone so dear to you that the pain was unbearable and unexplainable? Mama O shares her experience of losing someone so dear. 

Dear Baby C,

My darling love. You were to be my second. You are my second, But if you ‘are’, why are my arms empty right now? Why do I not feel your tiny weight on my hands? 
How dare you leave me? We were a team. For 9 months I spoke to you, prayed for you. Surely,you already knew my voice! How could you you just give up? Didn’t you hear me all these nights? All these times I prayed and begged you to get well…to just fight for mummy.

Today,I held you and felt it happening all over again. The last time,you came back to us,but today you left for good.You left me. You left mummy…aching, broken and sad.
Was my belly cut open for nothing? Did my life hang on the balance for nothing? Did I endure this pain for nothing? Were all my sleepless nights for nothing? But I can’t stay mad. I’m too weak to be mad. I have cried all I can and have no tears left. I have asked God all the questions I can, but only silence greets my outburst…
They said you had tiny holes in your heart. They said your chest and lungs were congested. It hurt so badly when they had to take you away for a few days because you were too weak to breathe for yourself. It hurt even more to watch you struggle to breathe, eat. Today started like every other day. Me,obsessing over everything. I felt you were a bit blue around the edges, but we chose to stand firm and confess positively.
Grandma must have had a stirring in her spirit,because she just showed up this morning and we prayed…oh how we prayed and sang praises. We still praised when I felt you leave…like sound of nails grating on a wall,I felt and heard your last breath.
Daddy is numb,I am numb. But I guess your steps have indeed been ordered by God like your name implied. I will probably never understand why we were blessed with your presence for just one month. One very apprehensive month. You will never get to hear grandma sing to you songs she made up with your name. You will never get to hear your other grandma sing Igbo songs to you.

Now I sit in this numbness and listen to people sympathise and pray for me. I hear them say all the nice things, but who feels the void in my heart? My tummy? Who feels my breasts swell with milk that will never get to nourish your little body? Who will be there when i’m expressing the breastmilk at night so I will have less pain? Who will understand how It’ll feel to wakeup in the middle of the night because my mind and brain can still hear your very tiny cry for food?

Sleep on my son. This body you came in was weak,but I believe you will come back to me. For what is man but spirit? Your spirit will find mine before my spirit leaves this body. Even if I never recognise you as the son I barely knew, I am sure I will still love you in this lifetime of mine. Your brother loves you, Daddy loves you and I love you the most.
Your mum for a time.
Mama O.
Thank you for sharing Mama O. God’s love and grace to you and my love to you. The worst of deaths we hear, is that of children dying before their parents. How have you dealt with pain of losing something or someone so dear? 
Please Share in the comment section. 
Faith A.A. 

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